Blog the Metaphysical

A few days ago I found my self becoming increasingly agitated. That feeling gave way to a sort of underlying hopelessness which I could not identify the source. Then yesterday I finally realized what was troubling me. It was some kind of metaphysical backlash from my once again picking up the book The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard.

This sort of thing happened to me several months ago when I read the first third of the book, and I stopped as a result. Having nothing else I wanted to read, and having something of an overdeveloped "finishing" capacity, about two weeks ago I started reading where I left off.

Now I feel like a big spiritual baby throwing a tantrum because I'm being told some things I am apparently not ready to hear. Sure, I understand the spiritual, metaphysical, and quantum physics stuff about the role of consciousness in creating reality, but that all just sounded like an opportunity to create more beautiful realities.

The book puts forth that it is our collective ego that has created the illusion of physical reality to provide the fake experience of individuality in exchange for blindness to our otherwise overwhelming fear of God. Wow. The message received here is that the physical reality I experience for most of my life is spiritually bankrupt, unworthy of my oneness with God, and basically a waste of energy.

Well, that sucks, but yesterday evening I was able to rise partly out of my funk with a few realizations.

Here I am. In this physical body. I know I am able to transcend my physical experience through meditation, chant, certain physical activities (ironically), and being in the flow. At this point in my life these are only relatively momentary transcendences, but over time I can expand them.

I also know that my vibration, or energy, is increasing as I transform my consciousness. I feel lighter, I experience more subtile phenomenon, my negative emotions are less severe, I forgive more and judge less. These things are a sort of transcendence of the ego-based physical existence.

I feel it is very unlikely that I will fully transcend my physical experience during my lifetime. Otherwise, how is it still life in my physical body? So, I am stuck with at least some physical experience of life, and I'd like that to feel good.

I should say that the book doesn't advocate denying the body, and perhaps if I am brave enough to continue reading I will learn how this is integrated into the main idea.

But back to feeling good. There are two ways to do that. One is to have only experiences that are pleasant. This is the goal we humans consciously promote, and it doesn't seem to work out that well by itself.

We can also feel good by choosing to feel good, no matter what our circumstances are. I believe it is part of a spiritual path to work toward this, and it is also a practical idea, since we are not able to control many of our circumstances. In the end, I don't think I can achieve feeling good all the time no matter what my external circumstances are.

That leaves me back in the dualistic life; the life of paradox I now live. It's OK though, it can be a beautiful paradox. Here I am. In this body. Noticing the sun rise and set. Interacting with other souls on their own paths, who are all reflections of me, fragments of the hologram. Here I am. Feeling pulled higher, toward more energy, more light, more oneness. Here I am. With my body, my mind, my ego. Wanting to provide, wanting fun, wanting to share, wanting to create. Wanting to have the fullest, richest, best-feeling experience of this illusion I can.

In this paradox, for now, I find my peace.

In my life I have many times found myself caught between setting boundaries and being compassionate. By setting boundaries, I mean not allowing another person to take advantage of me. Conventional wisdom says that when we allow others to take advantage, it is out of some kind of weakness.

In my case, this could be from lack of self-worth manifesting as an excessive need for the approval of others. Many years ago I discovered that I would under-represent my own needs and desires out of concern over how others would view me.

It seems to me, living inside this body, that I have mostly gotten over this tendency. However, long-held patterns of interaction can have a sneaky way of lurking around long after we thought they were banished.

These days it feels more like an over-developed compassion for other's points of view. I can really feel where someone is coming from, and it sometimes makes me present my views less completely.

I am grateful that now, when I get that feeling of tension in my body that I'm not speaking my truth, I almost always act on it. That feels like a harmonious way of being to me.

The painful situations now only come when I am caught between two different people's positions, both of which with I can empathize. It's hard for me to hear my own voice in that din.

Through all this I am a being on a path of soul development. Many of my most cherished teachers convey the message that love, compassion, and forgiveness is a higher way of being. Expressing these qualities feels right to me and is how I want to live.

Here's the tricky part: If I allow someone to get the best of me, if I let go an injury they have done me, if I give up more that I have to, if I negotiate and compromise rather than set ultimatums - are these acts inherently loving, compassionate, and forgiving? Or, is it only when my conscious intention is loving, compassionate, and forgiving that this energy is expressed?

In other words, if I use spiritual ideals to mask or excuse self-denying behavior, what is the result? Must we not start with the spirit carried within us in practicing love, compassion, and forgiveness?

The only conclusion I can reach from this line of thought is that I must carefully monitor my intention, especially when the emotional weather gets rough. I'm not sure what I'm going to find when I monitor in this way, but I'm pretty sure it will lead me to a higher truth about myself and my interaction with others.

This morning I was meditating. Lately I have not been into any of the guided meditation programs or brainwave-altering audio that I often have preferred. So this morning I started off with a form of meditation I learned from Roger Lanphear's book Wealth Consciousness.

Begin by breathing easily, but without a pause between inhale and exhale. Just a continuous in-out cycle. Keep going with this breathing for several minutes until you feel a little dreamy or disconnected from your physical presence. If you find that your thoughts begin to dwell on something, just gently return your focus to your breathing.

Now allow your breathing to do what it will, and turn your awareness to your body. Notice any feelings or sensations you may have. Pay particular attention to any rhythms you can sense. Not your heart beat, but any vibrations, pulsations, undulations or waves of sensation. Continue to allow your awareness to find these rhythms in your body.


This morning at this point in the meditation I departed from Lanphear's instructions...

Expand your awareness a few inches beyond your body. You may become aware of points or spheres or small bodies of energy there around you. Just allow your self to be aware of these energy bodies for a minute or so.

Now expand your awareness out further, perhaps as far as you feel comfortable with. Notice any energies that are now present. Rest your awareness on them notice any changes in your state of being.


So for me when I expanded my awareness that final time I saw with my inner eye some glowing white clouds far above me, with a white sun above that. I was like I was directly sensing the presence of God. At that time a feeling of deep peace and acceptance came over me. I was free and content. That feeling slowly reduced once I came out of the meditation.

It was a really nice experience, almost profound.